Pumpkin Spice Poo!

I realize that this post isn't design related, but I've been ready to revamp my blog into something a little more than just design and DIY posts.  I want to include funny stories that I write (like this one) and perhaps #momlife stories.  I actually wrote this tidbit last Fall, but with the recent release of the beloved Pumpkin Spice Latte at Starbucks, I thought it fitting to post it to my blog now.  Enjoy!

Yesterday, I had the rare opportunity to visit the inside of Starbucks.  I generally frequent the Drive-Thru, but this time I was meeting a dear friend.  As I entered, the fragrant aroma of freshly brewed coffee was divine and filled me with anticipation for a coveted Venti Pumpkin Spice Latte.  Go big or go home, right?! 

My friend and I found an empty table and began chatting about our latest happenings.  I popped the lid off my coffee cup and began sipping my delightful beverage.  I let out a big sigh because that's really all you can do after you partake of such an amazing cup of coffee.  My extremities began to tingle with excitement as the caffeine started to to course through my veins.  Ahhh sweet bliss!  Then, there came another feeling.  A feeling I am all too familiar with when it comes to drinking coffee. 

I. Had. To. Poo.  

And not the nice, gentle kind of bowel movement; more like the violent, toilet-gripping kind.  My friend was talking about a recent wedding she had planned and I could feel all the color drain from my face.  I shifted awkwardly in my chair.  Maybe it would feel better if I crossed my legs.  Nope.  Maybe if I just lean forward a bit.  No, Oh My Sweet Mother, NO!  Don't lean forward!  Okay, maybe I can lean backwards a little bit, just pretend you're still listening intently and give a couple nods and uh huh's.  Beads of sweat start rolling down my face.  "Is it warm in here?" I ask.  Nope, just me.  Good Lord, just let this pass, I plead silently. 

Somehow, I make it through, give my friend a hug good-bye, and gingerly walk toward the restrooms like everything's totally cool.  Please Lord Baby Jesus, if you're up there right now looking down on me, please let this be a single-toilet kind of bathroom.  I just cannot deal with stalls and other people smelling the death that is about to come out of me.  I open the bathroom door, "Oh, sweet merciful God!  Thank you for providing me with a single toilet."  I get down to business, giving the usual courtesy flushes, as to not offend the next patron with my foulness.  I reach for the toilet paper and roll out a few squares but to my utter horror it is one-ply!!!  One-Ply!!!  I can see my hand through the paper!  How am I expected to clean my heiney with this stuff?!?!  It will take me a year!!!  Come on, Starbucks!!!  Get it together.  You know coffee is a diuretic!  You have got to supply your restrooms with at least two-ply! 

I gave several more courtesy flushes as to not clog the glorious throne with the "one-ply."  As if it would even clog being so thin!!!  It was practically disintegrating in my hands before I even touched my backside!  Ok, fine, it wasn't THAT bad, but seriously get some better TP!!!  For the LOVE!!!  I didn't bring my Poo-Pourri but the smell wasn't overwhelming.  I was sure no one would notice the atrocity that just took place.  I washed my hands and walked out, hoping no one would even notice my existence.  I did a sideways glance at the barista standing at the counter and he looked right at me.  He had a weird smile on his face and said, "feel better?"  My jaw dropped to the floor.  I could've died ofembarrassment.  I smiled innocently and ran out the door as fast as I could.  He must know the effect coffee has on people or maybe my pale, sweaty face gave it away.  I'm not sure.  But I know one thing, I will be going through the Drive-Thru from now on.

-Kirstyn Smith